Fear of Adulthood- @BurritoDevil
Growing up sucks. Really, it fucking does. As kids we dream about what it would be like to be an adult and how perfect life would be and then we grow up and we spend the rest of our lives wanting to be a kid again. Wanting to go back and experience at least one last time where we're completely stress free. A day when we can wake up, eat our cereal in front of a TV, watch cartoons and our only stress is finding something to play with because of boredom. Instead we have the stress of juggling bills, family, careers or trying to figure out what to do in life period. I'm 27 and I barely have an idea of what I wanted to do with my life, only because I was kind of forced into making my decision. There's people graduating out of medical school at this age and I'm tight about it. I've always wanted to help people and I loved the medical field, but I didn't have an idea of what, even though my head would tell me nursing, but me being the smart person I was I didn't go to college to figure out what field I would love. What I did was work at a couple clinics, bullshit in college, fuck up my GPA, then decided to work at a bank for 4 years. Why? Because I was younger and didn't know any better. I was just more comfortable with the idea of being an adult versus actually becoming an adult. A bank was a steady job, I didn't get drug tested and paid what little bills I had. Then, I got pregnant, had a beautiful baby girl and then got custody of my 15 yr old nephew. So we went from no kids to a baby and a teenager all at the same time. Shit was getting rough.
But one day I was holding my baby, watching some bullshit ass show on TV enjoying my maternity leave, and a commercial came on for the college I went to. They were advertising the nursing program and I've seen the commercial a million times before but this time I looked at my baby. I saw her look back at me, and I told myself "Amber, u gotta do this... U gotta show her, that she can never give up". So, I applied even though I didn't think I would get in because my GPA was shit, but somehow baby Jesus pulled through and I got accepted. Next, how in the hell was I going to pay for shit? I wasn't eligible for grants but somehow I was able to get help from a program they offered in my city. OK, the program was paid for, now what? Now I gotta pass this shit. This by far has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. When they say the nursing program isn't a joke.... IT ISN'T A FUCKING JOKE. The amount of information to be learned in a short amount of time is crazy. I'm stressed out 99.99% of the time on schoolwork, plus trying to hold it down for my family, and somehow pull money out of our asses to pay the bills. I call the little friends I do have constantly, and it's always the same conversation. " What if I fail?..I can't let my family down", "Amber you won't fail, you got this" every month, like clockwork this conversation happens, because every month I feel like I'm having a breakdown.
I think the scariest part of what I was going through was becoming an adult and dealing with the fear of failing. Fear of not making it in life and your whole family suffers the consequence, fear that everything is on you now and not your parents. Fear that you spent your life trying to become something and sacrificing living it to the fullest. Fear that one wrong move can take away food on the table for your family. Fear of not being the best. Fear of missing out. I realized it's okay to have these fears, it's what drives us. Fear is what makes us push ourselves hard to the breaking point and beyond just to make sure it stays a fear and doesn't become a reality. I can dream of becoming a kid again all I want and dream of what it's like to be stress free, but the reality of it all is that I've had my time of being a kid and now it's time to be an adult. It's time for my kid to have her childhood and now my biggest fear is that she may not be able to live a normal one. But, I'm willing to go through hell, day in and day out to make sure that this doesn't happen and due to the prior fears I have already conquered, I will not let this fear become reality.