12... - @cierraanise
Don't ask about the song, just listen as you read...
I didn't even want to write this... But someone encouraged me to. It's crazy because the person who encouraged me, is the reason why I'm writing this. I've never felt hurt like this.
I've been in love with this man for almost a year.. We'll be, or would've been a year on April 7th. He dmd me to talk about his blog, the one you're reading this from. I thought it was dope, I supported from day one. I supported so much that I became part of the team. Then I became his girlfriend, his best friend he says. The one he says he's going to marry. The one he loves. He became my happiness and don't regret letting him come this close to me. He opened me up and I started to grow, and be more inspired. I started to love myself finally, which caused me to love him and I never thought about losing him/letting him go.
He still tells me those things and I don't doubt it, I've never doubted it. But now, it comes with a pain, and anger along with the happiness. Because now, he has options. Do you know how hard it hits you when you give someone you're all, and they tell you "You want to give me the world, but can't supply it at the moment" That shit hurts, it cuts deep. It makes you feel like you're all wasn't good enough. Do you know how it feels when you know someone else is catching some part of their attention, and you've treated them like royalty?
You know, I sit here and think to myself, how can you see me as your wife, but you see your dick in someone new? How did I make you change, and you still want to fuck other bitches? I cry myself to sleep every night instead of crying to you, so you don't feel bad. I'd rather this than to have you cheat. Now, I'm not even sad, I'm angry. Whenever we speak I feel like I'm not the one who has your attention. I wonder who it is that you're talking to when I hear your phone go off, or the keyboard clicks. Don't even say this hurts you more than it hurts me. I gave my all, I gave everything and it wasn't sufficient enough. I'm not apologizing anymore when I say something you don't like, it's how I feel, and I've never made you say sorry. You made me this way, you brought this feeling into me, and now I'm letting you see it. Yeah I love you, but this pain isn't something I prepared for. It feels like betrayal... You made me angry, your actions hurt me. Selfish... No not PNB'S song. This right here, I shouldn't have to feel this when I always tried to keep you happy from the start. Why? Why? I'd never do this to you, I could never hurt someone I claim to love like this. It's going to take a lot.. Because now I'm afraid I won't be able to look at you the same. And it's crazy...
Because I can't see myself leaving... I never did. All I ever wanted was to be your one and only, and now we're on hold, and I can't help but to think that while you're all that's on my mind, you're getting ready to go to her dorm, or her bed, or she's coming to yours. Where I laid my head. Someone who couldn't give half of what I gave, gets to have a piece of my world, my home. She gets to feel that touch, those lips, she'll know what it feels like to have you hold her, all because she looks good. Now I just feel vulnerable and alone, even though you're here still. But there's going to be someone else taking up the space I had in your head. Now I'm just... here.
Just keep it in your head, they don't know you like I do, they didn't see you at your lowest, they didn't stick around when you told them to go (probably wouldn't have either), they don't look out for you. And while you're there, just please think of me, waiting up for you, with the stains on my face of the tears that fall all night. But somehow I still love you with my soul...
I hope, I pray we can move forward, and you regret it all, and we can go back to bringing happiness to each other. Because you are my best friend, and I don't want to lose you. Just treat me like the girl who was there for it all, never let you fall, even though she already hit the floor. Your pedestal is still there, let me know when you're ready to get back on it. Until then, ST is what it's about, I'll see you in a few weeks, I hope they keep you satisfied since me not physically being there has played a part. Through the smiles and pain, I'm still going to love you. You're always going to be who I want to share my days with....Don't forget about me.
- Always, H.Q.