Dear Eren - @Lil_Lumba
It wasn’t until I lost him that I looked in the mirror and realized no one would ever love me for who I was on the inside.
I can’t shake the fact that if I had a little more meat on my bones, If I had more to grab on to, If I was just a bit thicker. I wouldn’t have lost him. I’m so convinced that I could be what he wanted if I weighed more then 90 pounds. I KNOW that there are parts of me that parts of him wants to love. I’ll be patient.
I saw it in your eyes the many nights we spent with our feet in the hot tub. I know you were trying...Man, did that hurt. I didn’t want you to try. I wanted you to know, to feel, to be. I know when you looked at me you thought of her. You compared us the entire time we were with each other. But when we kissed. There was no one else in the room. Funny enough, sometimes, there were people in the room. Usually his roommates, Daniel or Gavyn. I was confident you felt it too. The connection was so undeniably deep. And it scared the shit out of you. It’s the reason you couldn’t stay away from me, but its also the reason why you continued to resist all while doing so. I desperately needed you to love me, but easily, naturally. I wanted you to want me. I would do anything for your love. That scared the shit out of me.
When you came back into my life... those 6 months I spent talking to you, learning you, admiring you, touching you, observing you.. trying to figure you out now that I had you right in front of me..were un-real. They were hard, but I didn’t want to be anywhere else. When they were bad it was my own mind psyching myself out. The mind is a powerful thing.
I smile fairly big, even when inside I’m really dying. my reality sets in after dark once I question why I’ve been lying. I guess I’ve done something with my life.. for my age. But what they don’t know is I can’t sleep at night. My mind comes to at least fifty conclusions every night before I finally drift away. The split second I wake up is spent thinking maybe life isn’t bad, maybe I’m still me. The next second is when reality settles in. Every.Morning. If they knew I barely loved myself, would they still love me? These days I’m not really sure who I am.. or what I want to make out of myself. And when I think I have a plan, goals… Those dreams keep me trapped because society has confined me. I know its wrong to be waiting for the day happiness truly finds me.. It’s an injustice to my precious life. But I can’t help but feel stuck. More and more time keeps passing and my state of mind has stayed the same. More and more time passes and I’m at the same spot he left me. Crying endlessly in my room begging god to take me. Rock bottom. An eternal funk.
I’ve been searching for my beauty ever since.